I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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