Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
