I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
