you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
