You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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