I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
