Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
