the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
