Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
