Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I will pee on everything he values.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
