I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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