My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
