when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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