Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize