I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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