My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
