Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
