Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
