there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
