you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
