You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
