I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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