I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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