the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
