I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
