i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
