if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
