FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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