Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize