MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
