brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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