I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
