theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
