You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
