I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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