Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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