if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
