I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
