I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
