Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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