It's just like the Real World with babies
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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