Are we in a gay sports bar?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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