tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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