Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
