Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
