I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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