I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
