I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
