Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize