Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
