If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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