his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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