Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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