i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
