He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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