I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
