you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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