Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
