I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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