my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
