I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize