Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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