I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
