it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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