i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
