If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I got inside last night via doggy door
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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