He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
