I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
