All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
