I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
