Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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