Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
