I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
