my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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