he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
