Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
