I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
